I took this photo a few years ago and I remember feeling melancholy on this day. I was tired and cranky from being a mom without much time for myself. I loved my son so dearly, but I was stressed from not having any time to myself. My husband, Adam worked a busy job and although he was very helpful when he was home, I was alone a lot. My mom, sisters and other family members helped me a great deal too, but I just never felt I could keep-up with my need for freedom and the amount of help I had. I felt very imbalanced adjusting to the active carefree life I was living before children and my current situation of a responsible homebody. Consequently, I wasn't exactly happy during this time. I also wasn't very grateful at the time. I insulted people who tried to help me because they weren't living up to my expectations. Family relationships and friendships suffered that I can never fix. I also remember my sister, Ilana often wanting to have "sister time" with me, and I just wanted to sleep whenever I had free time. I took Ilana for granted. This is something I replay in my mind with guilt over and over. This was one of my biggest regrets in life.
As many of you know, I lost my dad in 2022. I created this online retail business as a way to keep the memory of my parents alive. I choose products that remind me of things they would have liked or products that help me create a sense of comfort and happiness that my family provided for me. However, I have yet to find a way to honor my sister, Ilana. Ilana died of colon cancer, also in 2022. She was 39. We only had her for one year after diagnosis. Her cancer was very aggressive.
Ilana's death has been excruciatingly painful for me. She was my absolute best friend, confident, and most trusted person. She was the only person who had the same sarcastic sense of humor as me. We just thought alike, and she always saw the best in me. We were only 2.5 years apart and shared a room growing up. She was also extraordinarily beautiful and the most generous person. Losing her felt like my life was over.
When I look at the picture below of annoyed version of me, I feel very angry that I didn't realize how good I had it. I feel like grief has forced me to go back in time and remember how stupid and careless I was with others. How many decisions I would have made differently had I known my future? How many times I would have hugged my dad and sister and told them I love them? The thing about grief is that sometimes you really don't know how you feel about someone until there is no option of seeing them again. I knew I loved my family, but I didn't understand how devastated I would feel. I never imagined them abandoning me in death this way.
They say that grief heals with time. I have found that to be partially true. It is true I have moved on physically and can now function throughout my day. I started a business, have two children and a very nice husband. I also still have my mom and sister, Darlena. I am productive and have moments of joy. However, the melancholy is always there. I miss my dad and Ilana. Time helps me move forward, but time also makes me remember that I am missing these two beautiful people for every birthday, holiday, outing, laugh, hug, etc. Every month and year time will remind me that they are always missing and always will be.
I don't have a solution or advice to provide. I am just sharing with you all my experiences. I hope this post has been helpful and resonates with those of you going through loss and the grief that follows. I hope you feel seen and better understood.
Stay strong and keep moving...
Tiffany
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